Book review - Beyond the Tears

I just want to share about a new book regarding children and bereavement, Beyond the Tears: Helping Jewish Kids Cope With Death by Rabbi Eugene Kwalwasser, former head of Yavneh Academy in Teaneck. This is a very well laid out work designed for young adolescents of 10-15 and for teachers who are looking for ideas on how to talk with students about death and bereavement.

Parashat Vayechi - thought to ponder

At the end of Bereishit, Yosef, in a scene paralleling Yaakov, places a vow on his family that at the time of redemption to take his bones from Egypt ("And Joseph took an oath of the children of Israel, saying: 'God will surely remember you, and ye shall carry up my bones from hence.'"[50:25]). In Masechet Sotah, Rav taught in the name of Rav Yehuda that the reason it says the bones is as a punishment for Yosef not showing respect for his father, allowing his brothers to refer to Yaakov as "our father your servant." In thinking about this idea, I began wondering if this Midrash is in some way a critique of Yosef with regards to the general charade he plays with his brothers. Are Hazal saying that Yosef's actions were legitimate until the point where his father is degraded in his eyes? Are Hazal considering the possibility that it would have been better for Yosef to reveal himself immediately instead of allowing the brothers to say Yaavo was "his servant?" Furthermore, how do we then understand the whole idea we are taught that Yosef being in Egypt and the subsequent famine were all steps towards getting Bnai Yisrael to Egypt for the period of slavery, fulfilling the words of G-d to Avraham?

Parashat Vayigash - reactions to loss

One of the things in last week's parasha that always struck me as odd was Jacob's response when he encounters Yosef for the first time in 22 years. We would expect Jacob to hug his son and cry with him. Instead we are told "And Joseph made ready his chariot, and went up to meet Israel his father, to Goshen; and he presented himself unto him, and fell on his neck, and wept on his neck a good while. And Israel said unto Joseph: 'Now let me die, since I have seen thy face, that thou art yet alive' (Genesis 46:29-30)." At first, only Joseph responds with any outward display of emotion. On the other hand, Jacob is silent for a long while before finally coming to grips with the powerful situation at hand. As we know, there is the one midrash that indicates that Jacob first recites Shema upon seeing his son. The midrash at first is also a bit difficult because it leaves the following question: why do the rabbis explain that Jacob looks toward G-d in this manner, declaring the divine unity, when meeting again with his son. A more normal response would have been Jacob expressing gratitude to G-d for allowing this meeting to take place.

To answer this inquiry, I was thinking about the concept of loss and attachment. In a work called Necessary Losses, by Judith Viorst, which I was reading this past week, she states that when it comes to loss, we have a strange counter-intuitive response. Her example is the screaming kid looking for her mom. She screams out of loss. When her mom finally finds her, we would assume the child would be overjoyed to see her mom. Instead, a typical reaction is for the child to express a coldness toward the mom, as if saying, "I know you are here but I don't believe you will stay." The child is presenting a barrier for further loss by not being as affectionate and happy as we would expect.

The same is true for the encounter of Jacob and Joseph. Jacob sees his son and is slow to react. This is the moment he had wished for for the past 22 years. While it would have been a miracle in Jacob's view of the world to ever see his son again, this is the parental hope. When he finally sees Joseph, he stops short of opening up the wounds. Instead he is silent. Perhaps he is angry for not being contacted before 22 years had passed. Perhaps he was overwhelmed with the thought of what he says next, 'I can die in peace knowing you are alive.' Jacob doesnt know how to react. Hazal find the same in their thinking, namely Jacob didn't know what to do, so they said he recited Shema. He looked toward G-d and said, 'You are my G-d, You are the only." For Hazal, the words of Shema were the comfort they expressed as what Jacob would have needed to be able to absorb the emotional high the meeting with Yosef would have elicited in him.